Sharing My Story | Part 2

My story, continued from part 1.

My appointment with Teo was something I will never forget. I’m sure for the same reasons – Leesa too.

We first saw Teo’s Fellow, a young man named Tyler. He spent a good amount of time with me – looking over my Scans, asking so many questions. I would see Teo next. Tyler said he would deliver a summary of our conversation with the scans in front of me when seeing Teo.

We waited (Leesa & I) in the waiting room whilst Teo finished seeing another family ahead of me. A little boy who looked no more than 2 years came out. It was his little health that Teo was assessing. I just remember him coming out or Teo’s room with so much spunk! Then starting a conversation with his family – asking them if they wanted to go for ‘burger & chips’ over & over again in a happy, spunky way.

My turn was next. Lees came into Teo’s room with me. I sat down next to Teo at his desk, Lees to my right in the chair next to me. Tyler sat on a chair opposite Teo & across from me.

In short Tyler delivered a summary, Teo looked at the scans, then he said ‘I’ve got to be honest – I’ve never seen anything like it in 30 years, I don’t know what it is, but I know that your only option is surgery.”

Teo said he was quite sure it wasn’t cancer but it was a Tumour. Teo said he was not sure what the make up of the tumour was. Yeh tumours characteristics on the film we’re not normal in the flare of light form the dye that the MRI reacts with. He said that this was the good news. Then Teo said that the unfortunate thing about the Tumour was it’s placement. Being in the Mid Centre of my brain & also being on the Tectile plate. The tumour was pushing on the cerebral fluid in my brain. Teo said this was why I felt like my head was always going to explode, why my face was half numb, why I was loosing muscle tone, why I was feeling so weak & why I feeling so many other of things that I was. Teo expressed how “God in all is wisdom placed the cerebral fluid core in the brain, & it only had one way to get out & flow throw the brain, then down into the spine”. My tumour was now close to blocking the only channel, & access of fluid to my brain & spine was minimal.

Teo expressed in an open Conversation to his Fellow, Tyler, how just when he thought he had seen it all – I come along & present him with something he hasn’t seen before nor can say he can confidently fix.

Teo let us know he wanted to help, he let me know I didn’t have long, he let me know my condition was not one for a cowboy or anyone really, but he would be a willing to do it but with no guarantee.. Teo said he wanted to just try help me. He offered his excitement but also delivered a case of failure he recently had – so I knew truly the risk, the severity, & this truly wasn’t just an open & close book situation. Teo shared his joy in wanting to help me, & shared it with his Fellow. Twos words all felt so good. I felt so uplifted despite the news and despite the uncertainly. This is honestly what makes Dr Charlie Teo so amazing. Teo literally has the heart & words of the most uplifting, real angel anyone could have in these times. I can only imagine what a presence Teo gives to his everyday friendship settings – simply universally amazing!

Teo then said I should take some time to consider surgery & soon. That he could do tomorrow (Wednesday 18 March) but that was too soon.. or was it.. I was already so unsure.

Teo then offered the following Monday – but I said it was one of my daughters birthdays (Mimi’s), so he offered the Wednesday after (25th of March) and I said that was my husbands 40th. Teo could see my look of things just being so surreal, how the dates given were hard for me to process.. a decision wasn’t that simple.. Teo smiled so comfortingly & said – you don’t need to decide this second. Take some time. I will let my staff know. Have a good think about it. Actually are going to call your husband? I said said “yes”. Teo said we should have called him & made him apart of the appointment or better still recorded it. So Teo said – “well, what are you waiting for – call him – so I can speak with him”..

When I looked at my phone, Luke had already tried to call. I could feel Luke being so on the edge of his day just waiting for me to call to say all was ok. But here I was to return his call with anything else but a-ok.

I dialled Lukes missed call back, & popped it on speaker. I gave the phone to Teo, who popped it on his desk. When Luke answered the call (almost immediately) I quickly said “hello Babe” and then proceeded with simply “Im just with Teo now & as you can’t be here – Teo has offered to speak with you & fill you in on what he has just told Leesa and I”. Teo took over the conversation so caringly and politely introducing Tyler too – then set into the facts of our meeting.

Teo explained how it was in fact a Tumour, that he also believed this wasn’t cancer / melignant but couldn’t be 100% sure yet. He expressed that this was not actually the major concern, it was more the placement & what it was causing to my brain. That there unfortunately wasn’t a way to treat this with Chemotherapy or Radiation – as the placement wasn’t something they consider this for. But, the tumour had reached its peak & now I only had a matter of uncertain time before the Tumour took its full toll. Teo – explained the Cerebral Fluid to my brain was being cut off – at the slightest growth of the Tumour – I would fall down dead. Teo confirmed this was why I was feeling the way I had, also why he also knew I was at the peak of letting the Tumour take its toll. Teo then discussed his hearts offer – to try help but with no guarantees. Teo expressed his fear for me, but also the concern of leaving it. Teo said as he hadnt done this before as he hadnt seen anything like it before – that he would be willing to try help me / us. Teo told Luke the dates of “tomorrow, next monday (23rd March), or next wednesday (25 March), as dates we could work with for surgery.. Teo asked Luke if there was anything he wanted to ask him? Luke was speechless – “A man of few words” quoted Teo.

Teo, then after closing the call with Luke – turned back to me & asked me if I had any questions. I am honestly still not sure what I said then – but I did speak.. The next part I recall was walking out of Teo’s office with reassurance from Teo talking to me & his reception about he would operate ‘IF’ i wanted to go ahead, but to allow me some time to go away & think. Teo’s fellow, Tyler – told us of a place at the end of the street which was a little wholesome Poke Bowl cafe – as he knew I was a mad keen healthy nut. Maybe this would be a place we could go to, to just think over things & have a bite to eat.

Lees & I headed to a cafe on the same floor first. I just sat by the window at a small table.. I let Lees know she should take time to call Billy, & also say what she needed to as this was hard to digest. I gave full permission for her to open her heart to him – this was more than either of us could have truly forecasted. Lees before long had returned with a Coconut water for me – as my headache was fierce today. This was actually just what I needed – as I kept looking out into the view past the hospital window & across the lower buildings cement roof tops. I was lost, & feeling so numb in the loss.

Lees soon returned & I stood up – unsure of our next step / movement. But soon we were trying to find our way out to the street level of the hospital – on a mission to just walk & find the Poke Bowl Cafe. Lees had seen it fortunately on the drive in – so I loved how it became her ‘Auto pilot’ of taking lead to get us to our next destination. A distraction of sorts. We got to the Cafe – i think we both were happy for not getting lost, that it wasn’t far, that we could kill some time with food,, but – there was that ‘but’.. For me it was that I just needed to figure this out.. Do I want the surgery.. If so, what date..

Lees & I chatted – I honestly don’t remember much of this either.. I feel so bad that the numbness had consumed me so much so that I was unable to retain these moments of conversation. I know we ate, we got out of there, then we sat on bench outside that was along the road side.

Ok – did I want to have the surgery – YES! I don’t want to die. I definitely don’t want to fall down infront of any of my family – I could never live with that in heaven above knowing I could have saved that vision for anyone I love. So YES – I am going to have the surgery.. So when? Was tomorrow too soon? Lees was throwing around ideas – helping so so much with how we could make tomorrow work.. She flys back – I stay, she exchanges with Luke & grabs my overnight bag.. or We both stay – till Luke can fly in with the kids, & then Lees flys home,.. or We both fly back,,, and so on..

Honestly, i think we rehashed it all.. But there was something about tomorrow that just didn’t resonate with my heart.

Something in me said lets take some time.

So we considered the other 2 dates – the 23rd & 25th. Both were just a NO GO – as they were both the birthdays of my tribe. My baby princess Mimi (23rd) & my King Luke (25th) – so having surgery on either of these days was honestly in my hearts soul – just not an option either.

So Lees & I thought – what about the following monday? As Teo only operated on Monday & Wednesday. With all the COVID19 events evolving – The surgery rooms were on limits for essential locked in times only.

So we decided to ask Teo’s reception – instead of walking back – we called. I asked if the following Monday (30th) would be ok? The reception staff said ‘i think so, let me just run it by Teo or Tyler first – can you hold?’. So whilst the receptionist put me on hold – Lees said something along the lines of also needing to ask some personal questions – like my hair – when should I shave it? Can I bring someone in to do it? Can I do it before hand?.. this was a great question.. I had to smile at this – as I remember as child saying to my Dad that I wanted to be a Monk and live a vowl of Silence for a year.. My Dad only replied with “but you will need to shave your hair” and my reply is “I know, and I love that”..

The receptionist picked the call up again & spoke words that stuck with me still till now.. “Hi Dimity, I’ve just spoken with Teo & he said that normally he would say yes to the following Monday – but he said he doesn’t feel you have that long. So do you want to book in for one of the other days?”,,, The pause in the conversation was there.. I hadnt anything to say.. So as I do – i jumped answering and asked about my hair.. The receptionist said I didn’t need to worry about that – as they do keyhole in theatre so I wouldnt need to shave my head. WOW! I remember paraphrasing this back straight away to Lees – both combining the answer from Teo & that I didn’t need to shave my head. Leesa’s face was a mix of happy (not to have to shave) & also stunned (i didn’t have that long).. The receptionist then reiterated I could take more time to think & just call back before the end of the day.. So I decided to end the call, take the extra time..

I spoke with Lees, as I was holding back more numb tears. I said Im just going to call Luke – he can help me decide what day he thinks is best.

We agreed that tomorrow was too soon, that Monday couldn’t be as it was our Princess Mimi’s birthday.. But Luke was firm on making sure we locked in the 25th – his birthday. I checked a number of times if he was sure on this.. that maybe tomorrow really wasn’t too soon – after all I was already here & it was a date that had no ties to anyones birthday. But in summary we all agreed – More time to just be with the family, to be in the present moment & to get some more time with my loved ones was just as important right now. So we agreed on the 25th. I agreed to make sure I made the 25th an outcome we all wanted. I HAD THIS.

I called back Teo’s office & let them know to lock in the 25th. Done! Just like that.

We then decided to get in an Uber & head back to the airport & try get on a earlier flight. There was nothing more we needed to spend time in Sydney for.

The uber drive back to the airport was – well it was over before I knew it. I don’t remember much at all.

Lees came with me into the QF terminal – it was a ghost time. A timely reminder also as we hoped out of the Uber – as it was so quiet – not a car dropping off anyone else. Just our Uber and us. There was no one in the terminal, literally no one. So I went over to a Qantas Desk, asking if there was an earlier flight I Could get on.. there wasn’t. Flights were being cancelled & the only flight option I had was the one I was on.

I walked over to Lees & let her know that I was stuck on the 4pm flight.. She too said she was having problems with her flight – they had cancelled it & she was now on a 5pm flight. I was shattered as that mean Lees needed to be in another terminal by herself for a while after I was already departed. It was just really crappy timing – as I don’t think either one of us wanted to be alone to get home. Wishing we could fly back together – we just opted to hang out in the Qantas terminal till I needed to leave. But firstly not without doing a quick trip to the bathroom to be sick – my headache was fierce & I just needed to release.

Our time in the terminal flew I think – next thing we were giggling as Leesa looked like she could get on the original flight – so needed to kick off her heels, pop on her fluro flip flops & bolt to the Virgin Terminal.. It was honestly the departure we needed – funny, quick & full of an unwinding adventure to beat the clock.. Lees took off giggling & I giggled with her..

On the flight home, my headache took me somewhere where I had never been to before. I was in row 1 & by the window – I felt great to be sitting with so much room & that I was going to be the first one off – so I could just rush home to be with my family. But as soon as we started to take off – my head switched into over drive, the pain had me so uncomfortable that I found it so hard to maintain any sitting position for more than a few seconds. So I was constantly moving around in my seat, my vision wasn’t amazing either – so trying to watch anything was near impossible & also so frustrating. We approached Brisbane, I felt like I was going to pass out.. I just needed to focus on my breathing.. Shut my eyes, breath, count, focus.. I had this.. Only a few more minutes & we would have touched down.. It worked, we had landed, now taxing to the aerobridge.. I remember thinking ‘come on and just be at the aerobridge already’ that it was taking forever. I stood up as soon as the seatbelt light went off, & was like a sprinter ready to take my mark & bolt out the door when they queued to do so.. Instead I gathered myself, was polite & thanked the staff for a lovely flight, had a conversation with them about their day ahead – where they where flying to next,, then finally walked off the plane like all was ok. I wasn’t going to let anyone see I wasn’t feeling well, as the thought had over shadowed me that I did not want people to think I had COVID19. So I just smiled, smiled & kept focusing on little landmarks to keep walking towards.. first “exit sign:, “baggage collection’’ (bypassed as only had carry on), “exit to outside”, “travellator” to get over to the car… “the pay station”.. “The lift to the floor that I parked the car on”.. shit what was that level.. I stood & cried for a minute – I couldn’t remember where I had parked.. No one was around so it didnt matter that my tears were visable – so I allowed myself to cry & just allow the feelings to finally come out. I felt a sense of ease. Then I was able to recall where I had parked.. I got in the car.. Now to drive.. I honestly had NOTHING left in me to drive.. So i sat, cried some more, closed my eyes, & just prayed. I was going to be ok, I just needed to get home, did I feel I was ok to drive – YES .. Can I do this – YES. So with that – I drove home.. One visual landmark at a time again getting me through how close I was away from home along the drive.. I remember getting into the carport, no one else was home yet. I parked the car & messaged Luke, to let him know I was home. I messaged Lees to again thank her for being the amazing human she was for me today, that I would never forget her being so by my side & the impact + strength she gave me. That I also hoped she was on a flight homeward bound, & to call whenever she wanted. I then Messaged Lanka to express that I hoped that the day went well, & that I couldnt have felt more blessed in having her be there for my babies – that I was so sure they would have just had the best afternoon.

I walked into the house so slowly, I wanted to have a shower & just collapse in a heap. I got undressed, & ended up at the toilet vomiting . I had never felt like this before. I was so unsure if it was just the tumour or the combination of everything. The tumour, the flight, the news, the reality.

Luke arrived home, & by then I had got into the shower but was sitting on the floor. I let him know i was not well. He instantly made sure the children were distracted to so I had time to get into bed & get comfy.

The children came in – they wanted to know how my ‘Uni day’ was.. They saw I was sick, so didn’t ask much more. I hugged them all & just held them, told them all how much I loved them & that my headache was just super bad. Mummy needed to just have an early night.

Some time passed that night & I couldn’t sleep alough feeling super exhausted. I firmly believed that the flight was too much for my head – two flights in one day – i wasn’t factually sure – but in my head the science behind pressurisation, & the way my brain was trying to still be functional with a tumour – I felt was clashing.

Luke at some point came into the room that afternoon – he didn’t say anything, just sat next to me. Then tears, endless tears came from Luke.. I was speechless, feeling so sick, & so weak, but somehow found the strength to prop myself up, wrap my arms around him and bring him close to my body. I held him for as long as he was there. The break came when one of the children was calling out to him for help – it was an instant switch, a sudden wipe away of tears, a gaze into one anothers eyes, & me saying “I’m so sorry baby’.. Luke said you have nothing to be sorry for, squeezed my hand & then left the room.

What next..

Honestly I don’t know what to type here.. the rest is now a blur..

I wanted to give my all to those around me, I didn’t want to raise a fuss or alarm. I just wanted to keep being who I was.

My focus now – just to make ah day up to the 25th as filled, happy & positive as I could.

Luke & I decided to keep the children home from now on, as with all things evolving with COVID19 – we just wanted to keep them safe & healthy, reduce all risk of anything more happening to our tribe in these times.

We decided that we would drive as a family on Sunday 22 March to Sydney, with a overnight stop in Coffs (originally we thought Lennox as its my favourite place, but we knew driving on would make for a better trip all in all – halving the distance more equally between the two days).

I think this next week was a mash up of planning, speaking with family & also setting myself ready.

We had a small gathering for Mimi’s 9th birthday. I couldn’t help myself & just wanted to do a birthday cake, make her day as a amazing as she makes my own and our families on the daily. It was just a small little last minute celebration. 3 friends who’s families I also chose to tell about what was happening with me & our family. I realised that I needed to make sure my family had a support network – these times were so uncertain & I knew that the comfort of friends is what helps so dearly. These 3 families were so wonderful & so respectful of our wishes to keep things quiet. That Mimi (as the others knew) only had been told that I had a really bad headache which panadol couldn’t fix – so Mummy needed surgery.

I think I made the worst birthday cake I’ve ever made – but it was so funny how it was loved so much – & every last slice was eaten. I had to giggle when I finally finished the design – thinking now I need to make sure her 10th birthday cake next year was better.

I wasn’t feeling so well all this week, but I made time to walk a little to help with clearing my thoughts. Cuddle lots – the act of a hug meant & has always meant so much to me.

I gave care to the wind for my exercise – as i knew that this was not a time to try new continue training. It was more a time to give thanks in abundance for where I was, what I had, what my body & life has done till now.

We were so blessed with the immediate care & love that came with the little few we decided to share it with.

I remember sending out emails to cancel memberships, advise businesses that I had worked with / ambassador alliances,+ contacting some more loved ones. I didn’t want to be doing it – so I just decided to divide & conquer like I would do if I was helping someone else. I remember sending the last couple of emails – then collapsing my laptop for the last time. I didn’t want to write any more – I didn’t want to put the words down. It all just made it feel too real for me to find harmony with. All I wanted to do was to be present, happy & be with my family.

We then had a breakfast with our beautiful friends the Duncans, a breakfast that was for us adults on a silent level filled with so many emotions, but sitting in a beautiful space in a gorgeous cafe that was so bare due to COVID19. It was a clash of appreciation for a quiet space, to be with beautiful company, share a beautiful meal. My heart couldn’t stop but also be sad for the loss in trade / income & the beautiful energy that comes with filling a restaurant with people sharing conversations / laughter. I think I only spoke briefly about my tumour with Chon, as it was so hard to raise the subject without the children wanting to listen too. I remember saying our goodbye after – a hug to each that I hoped left a footprint of a promise of hope & that success will be the end result. I cried when I got into the car, yes my head hurt, but the reality of all the emotions & how I was feeling was creeping in.

We then went to see a Pastor – a dear friend of ours had offered to have their church see us. As churches were closed for any services, this honestly was so beautiful of an offer. I am not the most religious person in that I do not attend church, I am actually christened as Church of England – and that only came about when I was 11. As my Baby brother was born the year before – and my parents decided that we could finally all be christened. But I have always loved what the church stands for – belief & great love. I have loved any time I’ve gone to church, even when with all the children in tow & also by myself. Its always a great way to just be present & allow things to be as they are. Going to the church on this day was so beautiful, but we arrived early & the children were restless. My head was starting to feel not so good, so i stepped out of the car to take time to get some fresh air. Unsure if it was all of a sudden just emotionally getting a lot – I cracked, the children had started to upset each other, & I just walked further away. I wanted to tell them so badly that happiness is so easy, don’t fight. That it was the last thing I wanted to be hearing was them fighting.. But I couldn’t.. Thankfully my heart switched into memories of being a child and I saw some weeds that grow like fairy wish kisses (thats what i used to call them), & showed the children how to make fairy tickles, kissed & wishes with them. Definitely a beautiful saving distraction.

Soon our friends arrived, a surreal moment. The purpose was for prayer for guidance & for the strength we all needed. The wisdom to know what will be will be. Honestly it was the peak of reality of so much for me – a chance to be with faith, to show my belief, to allow my family to be blessed in this process & be watched over too. My endless grateful heart to our friends for this was beyond words I could give. The prayer & meeting with the priest was not something I am used to, but although foreign it felt so comfortable. The children loved their helping moments in the prayers, & i could not help but gaze over my shoulder & across the table to Luke every now & then. Just to see how he was traveling through all of this. We left with happy hearts, the most powerful of prayers & so much to be grateful for. One of the beautiful family members stopped with me on our way out – she offered gifts of blessed holy water, Rosary Beads, & the book on how to use them. Id never used them before – but I was so touched by the offer that streams of tears filled my eyes & rolled down my face.

The next couple of days were .. well they just are a blur.. I have nothing to say in point form.. the rest is just a summary. As its this part that my memories are a little washed at the moment.

I remember encouraging Luke to keep training, I organised things like business plans / filing I was in the process of hatching, I sorted through the childrens clothes so they were ready for the cooler months, I organised things clearer so Luke could easily access medical records for the children if needed, I showed Luke where / how my routines could work if he wanted to use them – there was no pressure to – that it was more for the purpose of ease. I called my God parents – as with my Dad passed away and my Mum I have no connection with. I knew that these beautiful people would be those who I would want to tell.

I remember being so focused each day, making sure each day had a new purpose & gave a higher level of meaning. But I also noticed how much Luke was what seemed on ‘auto pilot’. I was so worried – as I couldn’t imagine the shoe being on the other foot. I didn’t know where to start to help my Best Friend & Soul mate. -The man I was blessed in this world to fall in love with, marry & have the beautiful tribe we do. I remember taking a bold step & just letting a best mate of his know – as he had been intuitive enough to figure a little was going on. So I just let him know & asked if he could keep an eye on Luke from a mates perspective.

The night before we left, it was a mix of so much. We were packed ready, our plans were for our beautiful family friend Leesa to fly down on the Monday night & join us – so she could be with the children whilst Luke came into the hospital with me. But with news unraveling more each day about COVID19 restrictions – I talked to Luke about being ok with having the children with us in the hospital. I didn’t think Leesa would be able to get down, something in me just instinctively said this, & I wanted eliminate the stress of this being something we needed to deal with last minute. So I sat Luke down – I said this was not something we needed to stress about, that the hospitals would be used to seeing families that had no one else to help – that they would be accepting & be accomodating of our situation. That things are as they should be – we just needed to accept it & go with it. So with that we also pre-briefed the children on the possibility of them coming into the hospital with me in the morning. That we would need to be strong, happy & brave together as a family – work together. That it would mean all waking early, eating breakfast early, and sitting still in a waiting area of the hospital whilst Mummy is in having her headache removed. The children were honestly so amazing, they all in their own words expressed that they wanted to come anyway. That they wanted to be with Luke & I. This made me so happy to see that they would be so ok with the change in plan.

We shared wood fired pizza with some friends who knew our news. Social distancing laws were not in place yet – but we still felt a little unsure if we were doing the right thing. We only put a few invitations out – and a little foot note to say a chance to say Happy Birthday early to both Mimi and Luke. It was a gorgeous early & short lived gathering – just enough time to eat pizza, sing over an amazing cake (thank you Lanka for the amazing Chocolate overload Kitkat awesome tower you delivered). A funny moment was that Lanka also brought candles & sparklers with her to add to the cake – I offered to light the sparklers – but they lit too quickly & before I knew it the sparklers were a blaze. I dropped them so that they didn’t burn my hand. They dropped to a mat on the floor & made the mat catch on fire. It was such a funny site to see I’m sure – but for me it was a matter of not dropping this impressive cake that I was also holding in the other hand & felt like it weighed 5 kgs. I managed to keep the cake upright, & Dan removed the mat after stomping out the fire.. We were all laughing.. It was a funny moment that although could have been bad, came with a great outcome.

The next morning was a little slower than we planned – we left an hour later than we had been talking of. But we just didn’t let that affect us. We were meant to be on the road now, now was the right time.

We drove & I called one of my high school besties.. She lives on the border of QLD/NSW. We had roughly spoken of maybe having a quick hug as we passed where she lived. Jill had been camping with her beautiful 2 little girls that night before – getting in one last get away before restrictions came in. So we met at a very old school looking service station – a massive amount of hugs, some small amount of sneaky tears, & some beautiful spunk from the coming together of our children.

Next stop was just making some happy memories on our drive down to Coffs. Luke had made a reservation at a little Motel place – we were headed for there.

My time in that drive to Coffs had some more important communication with one my Soul Cousins in Perth. I had let her know of my news earlier in the weeks before, and together with her help she offered something that was so beautiful but would require some tactics to pull off. Her heart & footprints on this earth now have her helping so many souls, through finding movement & practice in Yoga, meditation, nature & just being alive with your life. I am honestly one very lucky soul to be able to call her my own cousin. So this little offer – what was it – to answer a series of questions via recording short videos of myself in answering them. The would be my ‘Final words’ if that time was to be. I couldn’t have thought of a better way to surprise my family with extra love from me – if the heavens decided that I needed my wings back. After all I LOVE surprises, and I love giving and sharing my love & grateful heart – I love sharing gratitude & I love uplifting others. I just see that as filling our days purpose with the ultimate in purpose – to give happiness and hope & words of endless love is to be truly intune with oneself & be there, present in all. Well that is my spin on it.

So in arriving in Coffs, I read more over the questions.. As the children took time to have showers, I snuck out to our motel balcony and reordered some footage / question answering. It was harder than I could have imagined. How do a I leave message, leave a note, give one final answer to any of these questions. I just had to take faith in that I didn’t need to have the perfect answer for any of it – no one was expecting this video – and that would be the beauty in all of it. I only answered a couple of questions that evening.. as the next day was Mimi’s 9th birthday.

We took a stroll on an isolated patch of beach that was like a cove attached to the motel. It was perfect & it was beautiful just to listen to the children laugh, fall in the water (yes they were fully clothed) and it started with Bella trying to jump a puddle – and she fell instead.. next was Andrew tripping in the waves.. next was Mimi because she just loves being free like that. The only ones who stayed dry were Luke and I and Sienna – who had found her best place was to wrap her arms around my legs and lean on me, or grab my hand to go on a guided walk through the shells and collect different types. But I let go of Siennas hand momentarily – I decided to join the others – and in jeans I walked to knee height.. Just enough to feel the water, and be amoungst their giggles too.

That night when all the children were asleep – Luke ducked out to the car to collect the small bag of gifts for Mia, and we had bought fruit for deliver a fruit salad breakfast – as that was her wish.

I woke not feeling the best but pushed on knowing I could stop when we got into the car.. Right now was about embracing a new day and celebrating Mimis 9th birthday. I got up early and assembled Mia’s fruit salad breakfast. Popped some oats together for porridge and decorated the table with her gift bag. Mia woke with so much joy. We were not at home, where she wanted to be but she didn’t care. She was just so happy to see her birthday morning so simply put together.

The drive to Sydney was quick and we were there late that afternoon.

I had saved party bags from a friends sons birthday that she had delivered the day before leaving to give to the children in the car that day. So it was like a travelling birthday celebration. The children were safe to say on a sugar high and we were all ok with that.

We had booked an apartment close to the hospital – it looked online to be amazing. It was a penthouse above a shopping centre.
So for convenience sake we though this was a winner. However upon arriving the place was so filthy. There was condom wrapper in the bedroom, drug apparatus in a draw, and the walls and everything were so dirty. The children were hungry and honestly weren’t phased by the apartments look – as they just wanted to be out of the car and have some dinner. So despite Luke and I being stressed – we took to a plan. We slept all Together in an open space in the lounge, and Luke went busy cleaning the place. So the children and I didn’t get sick. I in all my wisdom had packed cleaning supplies in our box of stuff in the car – so it was beyond handy! That night after we had settled the children – Luke found a hotel apartment and booked us in there. Why we didn’t do that the first time we will never know. I guess we wanted to be close to the hospital. Whilst Luke did that I contacted Wotif – who we booked the accom through. We were unable to contact anyone due to the call volumes – Wotif has closed its lines and we could only hope that an email with our concerns, and that we would not be staying there but we would indeed be leaving the place cleaner than we arrived would occur. That we wanted our money back in full and that we hoped the owner was ok, safe. As the accommodation was truly unsettling.

When Luke was asleep – I couldn’t sleep. Whether it was the place or the impending surgery. My eyes were not down with sleeping. So I took to finishing my questions for my cousins compilation of ‘me’ if the surgery didn’t go as planned. Again it was harder than I thought to complete, but I was so grateful to have her in my life and be able to have the added blessing of this gift. I just hoped it was a series of words / videos that would not be needed. Despite the effort it took to do it all. And I know my cousin would format it in a way that would be beyond beautiful. Honestly just want to take a moment to say thank you and so much endless gratitude in this.

We checked into our new accommodation early on Tuesday – the 24th. It was amazing and we could see Bondi. The children love watching Bondi rescue – so it was great for them to see the beach. Even if restrictions meant that we couldn’t go to it.

Later that morning I had my pre-op MRI. Dr Charlie Teo needed a better film for him to work with for surgery tomorrow. The MRI was so trying – as it was at a building beside the hospital – which required us to park the car and walk a way. We feared for our health as we knew not far was a COVID19 clinic. But the power of positive thought we just had to embody. Arriving at the clinic they had a one person only rule to enter. So Luke stayed outside with the children. We then got persmisson to move the car into the car park that the building was attached to – so the children and Luke could wait close by. Then the person before me left, and the lady in the clinic felt for us. So invited us all in. She could see our situation was unique and my scan was not for something everyday. The MRI was completed and all was done for the day. We went back to our hotel.

The next day was Lukes’s 40th, I had NOTHING Prepared. My gift was originally to have a party, to have Alex Llyod sing at it. Sing the song we both loved and had so much meaning ‘Amazing’.. but none of this was happening now. I had a massive moment – I just couldn’t believe in all of this I hadn’t made a better plan. I had a card, I had purchased a chain with a cross and new st Christopher.. the children the day before had also gathered a card and Goodies / socks etc from the shopping centre under the first place we checked into. We did that whilst Luke cleaned. But As I usually put so much effort into birthday – as I LOVE birthdays – and this was not just any birthday.. this was LUKES 40th., what had I to give.. nothing! I couldn’t change what was – but decided to see what the children thought of letting him know about his party, who was actually coming, that Alex Lloyd was meant to play, and that everyone from best mates from interstate to our eldest girl Meggy were meant to be coming. They agreed. So that night we choose to do an early 40th celebration- we gave Luke his cards, his little gifts, and then filled him in with all the plans that should have been. It was perfect. Luke was beyond excited to hear about all that could of taken place. Finally I saw all was as perfect as it could be. We had each other and that’s all we needed and all Luke wanted.

… TO BE CONTINUED IN PART THREE.